Those helpful folks at Wellness Weekly have begun their annual cam-paign against anyone enjoying himself (see essays of December 2013 and Jan. & Feb. of this year, “Healthy Eating,”, “More Health”, and “Yet More Health”). In the October 6 issue of their killjoy newsletter they proffer even more valuable advice as to how we should conduct ourselves as “the temperature drops” and “many of us turn to rich foods,” which might have a terrible consequence: “if we aren’t careful” we might “gain weight”.
In case any of you are inclined to reckless indulgence, in case you might be tempted by Satan to gourmandize on such things as chips, hot dogs, pizza, wings, beer, hot chocolate, pumpkin-spice lattés, apple cider, whipped cream, caramel drizzles, cream of potato and broccoli cheese soups; soups containing cream, cheese, or meat; pumpkin layer cake, cheesecake, bread pudding, macaroni and cheese, Halloween candy, or yams and sweet potatoes mixed with cheese, cream, butter, canned soup, or bacon—(I thought yams and sweet potatoes were the same thing, but the bulletin differentiates)—here is some useful advice:
- If you are watching television while you eat anything, do push-ups, sit-ups, or jumping jacks during halftime or commercials. (And, I might add, after the game why not run around your house a few times, rappel from your roof, or turn somersaults on the lawn?)
- Pedal on a stationary bike while you watch a game.
- Why not drink green tea instead of malevolent beverages like hot chocolate or cider?
- Chew sugarless gum. (Perhaps they might also suggest chewing the gum wrappers. They will taste just as good.)
- Hide the candy. (They suggest this twice: “Stash sweets out of sight” and “Put candy bowls out of sight”. One must ask, why do they seem to endorse preparing these hidden bowls at all?)
Remember, sinners, all it takes is an extra hundred calories a day to gain ten pounds in a year.
You may not be able to die rich, but you can certainly die skinny, thus saving money for your heirs when they can purchase a small coffin.