Suddenly my scrutinizing eye beheld a bottle whose label proclaimed “Calorie Free, Sugar Free, Fat Free, Carbohydrate Free, Gluten Free, Cholesterol Free. 100% Guaranteed”.
I wondered if it was a bottle of air. But no, inside was indeed a glutinous mass of Honey Dijon Dressing. And around its long neck was a card, which I read further: “Save 10,000 calories a month.” “Lose 34 pounds a year!”
Hmmm… I hesitated. Although I am about five pounds above my desired weight, losing 34 pounds would reduce me to a wraith, an ethereal effigy whom my friends would not recognize.
Perhaps, I thought, I can use it for only eight weeks, thus losing those five pounds? Or… or maybe this marvelous elixir will enable me to eat lots of chocolate, snack crackers, and ice cream, thus compensating for the reduction brought about by the dressing? What a notion: a garnish that enables one to eat more while not gaining weight!
How could I resist? This is the best nostrum since the one sold by Dr. Dulcamara in Donizetti’s L’Elisir d’Amore! The bottle of Walden Farms salad dressing must go home with me.
Only later, as my initial euphoria faded somewhat, did I slowly come to see that there might be a flaw in my reasoning.
Oh, well. Back to Newman’s Own.